Because I hate my story right now.
Because I don’t want this.
Because I feel splintered into a million pieces.
I don’t want to write one word about miscarriage.
But, because I am willing to embrace the story… I will try.
Because I am making a choice to trust even when flashbacks haunt, and sadness seeps in.
Because I love. Because I will be ruled by love. Because the story is not over, because I am not writing this story, because I have a faithful God, I will grasp for words.
And I will be real.
Today, yesterday, and the day before…they have been all kinds of hard. One year ago, at our twenty week ultrasound, we realized our son was gone. We saw him, but he was no longer there.
And as we hit this “one year mark” not every second is tragic. I’m not weeping all day long. Just here and there tears spill over. Deep wounds still ache.
Because I have lost. Because I will never know on this earth. I will always wonder. I will always miss.
And before I experienced it…I didn’t realize the tragedy that is miscarriage. I just thought… “Oh, sad…but you can try again. Right?”
Try again??? What a completely naive thought!!!
That fixes nothing.
A child is lost. An irreplaceable life ended too soon.
So somehow right now I want to just scream that babies are precious…every single one of us that has been born is a miracle. Life is precious. Life is sacred. Life, humanity, from a cluster of cells to an aging man or women taking their last few breaths on earth…all of it is gorgeously fragile and beautiful.
In my loss, I find myself hating death. Yet, I also find myself loving life more. My gratitude, my joy, my capacity to love this life is bigger. All is not lost. Hope is not destroyed. Joy is not stolen. I stand on the Hope that Jesus will set all of this right….not wishy-washy hope, but true Hope…a firm belief in what will one day come.
So I find myself between, between Jesus’ death and resurrection and the day he will return and kill death forever. No more tears. No more sadness. Only restoration.
And I’ve been told that the sadness eases, but I’ve also been told that the sadness never goes away. I see both being true already. I will carry miscarriage longer than nine months, longer than a year–for a lifetime.
So today, writing this, I own my story even if I don’t like it. Parts of this story are too hard to even share save with those who are walking this story with us. Yet, I embrace it willingly and humbly and I continue to choose Hope. If you’ve lost someone you love, I pray these words are somehow used to make you feel like you are not alone in the grief you carry.
Singing His Grace,
Our soul waits for the LORD; he is our help and our shield. For our heart is glad in him, because we trust in his holy name. Let your steadfast love, O LORD, be upon us, even as we hope in you. (Psalm 33:20-22 ESV)
***Comments will be closed on this post because there is nothing to say. No words bring our loved ones back, no words ease our pain. Only God heals our hearts. Feel free to pray as you feel led. Thank you for reading my words, that in itself is a comfort to me…just to be heard.***