I often turn to my journal for personal thoughts and reflections that I rarely post here. But today, my grumpy words turned to prayers seemed like they needed to be shared. So here they are…
I am so weary of the homework and the lunches and the pick ups and the after-school-grumpiness and the notes home and the papers and the mess everywhere. I am weary of buying groceries, I am weary of making food that nobody eats and then gets thrown away. I’m weary of all of the burdens I heap on myself – the mommy guilt and the lies playing in my head.
Lord, I know you know how I feel. How weary were you of this life here on earth? Sure there is so much beauty – but there is also so much pain, rot, death, sickness, old age, hate, bitterness, and apathy. Jesus as you walked this earth as a man, still fully God, how did you restrain yourself from crushing it all and starting over again? You saw all that is broken, all that is lost, how did you not fix it? What is there here in all this mess worth waiting for? What knowledge and understanding do you have, Almighty God, that keeps you so patient, so faithful, so loving? Oh, that I might have a molecule of that Grace to see and understand that somehow there is beauty in brokenness. That somehow redeemed is better than reset. Jesus, was your peace and comfort in knowing the heart of the Father?
I think of a small child on a road trip with no understanding of the destination. She is impatient and joyless – just plain no fun to be around. Yet, the parent, full of understanding and excitement for what is waiting at the end can embrace and even enjoy the weary journey. Today I feel like the impatient child strapped to a car seat wanting to run and play…but I see now that I need the perspective of the driver, pushing ahead towards the destination.
Father, show me the destination. Give me wisdom to know the reality beyond this present reality. Like the words of the hymn:
Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in his wonderful face. And the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of his glory and grace.
Lord, let my soul shake off the things that cling to me like burrs and make me so weary. Protect me from the schemes and lies of Satan and hide me in the shadow of your wings. Forgive me when I lose sight and lose hope or get distracted. Pursue me with your love. Amen
Do you journal your thoughts? I would encourage you to lay your struggles before God and let him lead you to his truth…the light of his glory and grace.